Half is not a Whole

I looked over my shoulder only once, just in time to see the wheels of his luggage roll away into the terminal, and then I turned my eyes to the road, wiped the tears from my cheeks, and merged back into traffic.

That was two weeks ago when he boarded a plane to Africa (He’s on a mission to change the world, I tell people) and said goodbye. And (Poof!) just like that, he’ll been gone for two months. Away from me, and away from our life.

Leading up to this moment, I braced myself for the vacancy his absence would create. Imagining each day by myself, home alone, single father to our two dogs, taking care of business. Playing house in an empty home.

It’s been quiet some time since I stood alone in the world. No one to hold my hand, no one to keep the bed warm. An adjustment, and mighty change, for me.

The first days were filled with crashing waves of emotions. In with the tide, out with the tide. In, out, up, down, I floundered in the riptide because sometimes nothing can prepare you for the feeling of feelings.

Caught in the undertow, unable to break the surface, struggling to catch my breath, I wondered, who I was without that half: the half that usually keeps me afloat.

Stranded without my emotional life saver, yet determined not to sink, I decided this trial would not be marked by self wallowing tribulations. So using my own strength, I pulled the tears from the tide and dialed my emotions down low. Choosing to learn from the sounds of solitude, rather than to be overwhelmed by the useless noise of my own mental chatter.

As this lone man, I glance over my shoulder for a reaction only to see no one. I talk out loud even with no one around to listen. Each moment bringing an understanding of being able to do all things alone. And a new found respect for solitary living.

Some days I catch the wave and ride it to shore with no fear of the currents below. Today is one of those days, even though yesterday I couldn’t find my footing and struggled to break the surface.

Every day I get back up and try again.

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13 thoughts on “Half is not a Whole

  1. Ryan:

    Hang in there buddy it will get better:

    He doing a good thing man: I know you can wait until he comes homes but he will be home before you know it

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  2. I’m thankful you have a day where you feel less afraid and alone. Now that you have experienced that, there will be more I’m sure. Keep getting back up and never stop trying Ryan. A lot of people care about you.

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  3. RYAN,HE SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL LOVE. KEEP BUSY MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH HIM AND WROTE ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE.

    I FELT BAD THAT I MISSED YOU ON THE LIVE BLOG WITH ROSS. IT WAS FUN WATCHING THE VIDEO.

    TG

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  4. I can only imagine how tough that would be, but it will make you appreciate him even more once he’s back. You WILL be okay!
    Thanks for sharing this with the world. I LOVE reading your writing. You express yourself well.

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  5. There more I read your writing the less I feel compelled to comment on it. I want to comment to let you know I was here and support your work. But its like when you read a book or look at a painting, you just take it in and weave your own experiences within the work. I just find it brilliant how you share show much but in such a artistic way. As you would say, “It’s organic” 🙂

    Halle-Lu

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  6. i dare you to move the furniture around
    sleep on his side if the bed
    drink directly from the rice milk carton.

    😉

    so sweet how much you love your man.

    🙂

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  7. Ryan, you are a beautiful writer. You really tapped into what it feel like to really miss someone (when saying “I miss you” wouldn’t say nearly enough). Hang in there.

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  8. Beautiful…touching…thank you for sharing. What a wonderful relationship you have. I know only to well what you are going thru, it is my life. Long seperations, seem like forever,…only seeing my love every 4-6 weeks for a few days at a time. But hey, this was your story…sorry for making it mine!!!
    Hugs to you Ryan. This will be a forced self discovery time for you. Take advantage of it.
    Beth

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  9. Ryan, you’re never alone even though it may seem that way sometimes. I know how easy it is to get sucked into that emotional spiral type of thinking. You have my email now, when you feel alone – use it k? For reallll!!!!

    ((cyber hugz))

    Chick

    p.s. you can toot and burp and eat chips for dinner – sometimes there is power in those solitary moments ;o)

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  10. Ryan, it’s good to be back here. You are a sweet soul. I feel like this sometimes even tho my home is full. I just need to find me. Thanks for you!!

    Like

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